Cassie's Journal

ceekaydee @ 2008-06-10T14:27:00

2008-06-10T21:28:21Z

I haven't had any need to post anything recently. I guess life has fallen into a pretty standard flow over the last few months but a lot has happened in the last couple of weeks and here is the story...

I am currently at home (Yay home time!) We have a load of frozen Potpies and other frozen goodies that fill a 53 foot trailer... please for the love of God don't let there be any overage... or damage... Especially damage... because getting rid of that stuff really sucks. My family's freezer only holds so much food... and usually it is full to the brim.

Speaking of my family my mom and dad have been waffling over whether to get a divorce or not, and also they are looking at selling the house. I have been joking recently that the Mexicans won the war... against my mother.

************* Department of Backstory *****************

So about 5 year... well... starts further back than that... let's say... 1998... I think that is accurate anyways... (period of time) ago my mom wanted to get her teaching career off the ground. She had gone to school to become a teacher and found out that in Montana (where we were living at the time, Bozeman to be exact) there were no teaching positions and the ones that did exist usually had 400 applicants... were usually filled by the friends of people in charge (yay nepotism!) and my mom was fresh out of teaching school. she didn't have a chance.

So my Mom decided that she needed to move to get a teaching position and at the time California was the place you ought to be so they packed up the truck and moved to Bever... errr... sorry got carried away... Rancho Cucamonga (Yes such a place does infact exist) She had been offered a teaching position in Fontana, CA because at the time Cali was desperate for teachers... So we went! and Cali was a wonderful place... I claim I am a Californian... which is not entirely true... but still... Wonderful weather all the time... stuff to do... and my friends... for the first time in my life I had a group of friends that actually liked me. My family had a nice house(even if it was small), they had the money to do things(amusement parks, the beach, bike ride, motorcycle, comedy clubs, concerts, shopping, etc), and they were at that point pretty happy.

Well my mom and dad stayed in Cali for 5 years(long enough to finish High school). But eventually my mother's racist bitch side came out, and she decided to move to Idaho because she wanted a place where it was mostly white(the master race or something...) and more specifically... she wanted to get away from the "Fucking Mexicans" (I've told the bitch time and time again... there are going to be Mexicans in Heaven... get over it bitch...). So they moved to Idaho got a bigger house and slowly blew all the money that they got from selling their house in Cali. Side note... should have been a warning sign... We(my mom and I) were at the Wal-Mart at one point and we heard some people having a conversation about one of their friends that were having trouble making their house payments... because of the shitty job market up here... On with the story! Well it took my dad like 6 months to find a job after moving up here from Cali and my mom even longer. They were bring in almost no income and bills were accruing fast. My mom got a job with Sylvan learning center... but quit that after like a month... and then was unemployed for a while longer until she got a job at a dentists office as a receptionist. Oh! I forgot to mention my mom decided not to try and get into teaching back up in Idaho... I think it was above her... or maybe below her.. not sure...

Anyways! She had the job at the dentists office for a while but my mom wanted to be her own boss and she started with a new hair brained scheme ever month. She wanted to start a restaurant... and then a day care... and a bunch of other lousy ideas.

Finally though the last hair brained scheme came into fruition... She decided to start a flooring business and quit her job... more specifically it was a decorative floor coating business. The best way I have found to describe it is... a can of white dutch boy roll it on the floor as a first coat. then a can of darker dutch boy that has some elmers glue added so that it is sticky. roll that over the first coat. then sprinkle copious amounts of paint chips on top blow it off with a leaf blower and roll a can of lacquer over the top of that... the company that they buy from calls it Corazzo? Don't ask the spelling because I don't know. But they spent $80k for a trailer with a floor buffer, a vacuum and some made in China tools. Eighty Thousand Dollars...... $80,000.00... and they took out a loan on their house for it. $80,000.. I chose the name Cassandra for a reason, because I have this awful knack of saying things and things coming true... but this foretelling came more based on logic than divine inspiration or seeing into the future... which I don't claim I can do... I simply speak... But I told them... That it was not a good idea and this is why. There isn't any money in the area and people and people are not going to be interested in this. (PERIOD) (.) You see the dot? Period... *nod*

Well 3 years have passed they are in debt up to their ears. My mom hasn't done but maybe.... 10 at most 15 jobs in those three years. Last year she went to Sturgis rather than work a month during the summer. So money is tight and living within her means in a concept that she doesn't understand. And to top it all off... Last month my dad lost his job... because the company that he works for is moving from diagnosing problems with patients to more... providing oxygen and services... and since my dad is a respiratory therapist and isn't a salesman they didn't need him anymore and they fired him. So even less income, or should I put it... no income.

********************* <End> Department of Backstory <End> ************************

My mom is going through menopause and it give her an excuse to be even a bigger bitch than usual. and to top it all off she is a mother fucking Christian... I'll get into that in a second. So she bitches about money how they don't have enough to pay the bills. How she is working 2 jobs... <clarification> My mom does the flooring business in the summer and she was doing this stupid insurance thing called NASE all commission based and she hadn't made a red cent off that either... ya two jobs my ass. </clarification> She wants my dad to get a new job/another job (this was before he got fired... laid off... wtf ever) she wants my dad to work more. Because she wants him to work as hard as she does... the thing that gets me is my mom doesn't want to work... she thinks that my dad is the head of the house hold, he should make all the money, so that she can stay at home and raise my 16 year old brother! My thought is he is 16 years old! there isn't any raising left... what the real deal is is she wants to be treated like a princess and she wants a wealthy husband who will take care of her neurotic ass. She has even gone as far as... I love you guys... but if I had it to do over again... I would have married a wealthy man and had his kids. Not if I had it to do over again I wouldn't have kids which is a respectable opinion to have... No... I would have someone elses kids... fuck you guys.

So due to the whole lack of money.. my mom not wanting to work.. shitty job market.. her fucking business that she just had to have and doesn't want to work.. my mom has decided that she wants a divorce for like the 4th time in her marriage, and my dad is finally ready to give it to her. The house is on the market, so Steph and I have to find a new fucking place to live sooner than later. and to top it all off my ex-roommate lost his job. I have been paying him back rent because for a while I didn't have a job but now he wants $400 dollars in rent from both of us.. because the mother fucker has been out of a job for like 3 months and is running out of money. We don't have $800, and that Son of a bitch isn't getting $800 dollars fucking period. If he thinks he is going to get that the mother fucker is out of his God damned mind. I am not going to be cowed by the mother fucker and I refuse to let Steph bow to this mother fuckers wishes any more.

The last 2 weeks have just been hellish. We were supposed to be home on like the 3rd through the 5th. go back out the 6th, but our truck has had a bad power steering pump for almost 6 months. So it is impossible... nearly impossible to back. Well we get into Salt Lake and we are red tagged for repairs. We have to get our truck turned down to 62 and a new windshield and the power steering pump. One of the dumb assholes at the shop.. Eric.. was convinced that they could just flush it and everything would be fine. They had done this once before it fixed it for a little while but... well we can't easily turn the wheels now. so we wait a night and we go in on thursday I think... It is all kind of a big blur of playing warcraft at Barnes and Noble and sleeping but... we go into the shop and talk to the head guy there and tell him that we need the truck turned down and the power steering pump fixed. He asked if we could bring the truck down to Volvo they can get it in. We are like sure! We rented a car anyways so we bring it over to Volvo on Thursday and they rip into it to make sure the power steering pump is actually bad.. Yes, yes it was.. but... the bad news is they don't have the part... so they call our company to see if they have the part... no.. our company sends it to them to get power steering pumps replaced. So they have to order one from where the hell ever the parts come from... We are just going to say ... Berlin.. anyways they are having it shipped from Berlin overnight and it should arrive on monday (currently friday). So our company gets us a room at the local econolodge. Yay free hotel room. well the weekend passes not too much happens but we get a hold of Volvo in the morning on monday and they don't have the part. I guess it wasn't on the boat... it was on the boat that was coming in tomorrow... from Berlin... that goes right to Salt Lake... *rolls eyes* So we get another stay at the Econolodge. Tuesday comes and finally they get the part! Yay! They get it installed and we take the truck back to our Yard. We get the truck turned down and we are finally ready to go. We get the car returned... and $300... because we had the fucking insurance on it. We have to wait almost 2 days before we get a load headed home. 2 fucking days. but we get one. We pick it up and we are to deliver on monday.. That's perfect.

<<< The Load >>>

Well we get the load home on the 6th, and we are to deliver on the 9th at a Safeway, but somebody decides that we need to deliver on Wednesday... which is like Okay... but whatever... and then they change their mind! Tuesday!! We must have our frozen meals tuesday!! And we are like nuh uh... Steph has a dentist appointment on Tuesday and I have to drive her because she is getting a crown done and she is going to take a Hydro before we go. So our dispatcher works a bit and finally on monday he is like well we have someone who will deliver for you. Just bring your trailer to him and you can switch at the FlyingJ in post falls. we are like thats fine. Well, We go the the truck to go to bring him the trailer and it won't start. Dead batteries. Mother fucker. So we get a hold of our Over the road maintenance (OTRM from now on) and ORTM tells us to clean the connectors on the batteries and make sure all the belts are in place. We did it that's fine. Still won't start. Call them up and they are like well... we don't want to send out a wrecker to get you a jump so you are going to have to find someone with jumper cables to help you start it. We are like... we are at the driving school we went to there isn't anyone around that can do that. We tried with one of the school trucks but it still didn't want to start. OTRM says... oh you have to do it for like an hour... My first thought is Sage is really good to us for letting us park our truck there... I am not going to ask them to burn fuel especially at the current prices to help us jump our truck. but OTRM's answer was it is going to take 4 to 6 hours to get a wrecker out there. It will take an hour out of your day we are here 24 hours a day... which is bullshit. because they get to go home after their shit they aren't there 24 hours a day... but wtf ever. We talk to our dispatcher and ask him if the other driver would be willing to come down to Sage and help jump start us. The driver's answer was no it is like 15 miles away and that is too far. He was a mother fucking company driver. he doesn't even pay for his god damned fuel.. Stupid Prick. but whatever! We decide to take the advice of one of the guys working at Sage and try and jump it with our car. So we go get a tank of fuel and lunch. and hook the Mazda up to the truck and we sit there 30 minutes with the batteries charge. Finally the truck has enough charge to start. We let it run for an hour and then go swap trailers with this asshole.

Well it is time for a new company. Because of the turn down we are making less an hour. we actually go closer to 61 mph and the company won't change that. Not only that OTRM is getting less and less willing to help out their drivers so I think it is time to call it quits with Our company. Fuck them.

So.. Steph had to go to the dentist. She thought all it was going to be was a crown. Turns out she needed a root canal. More money that we don't have. Yet, another reason Jamie -- the roommate -- can go fuck himself if he thinks he is getting $800 this month so he can go get wingstop and carls Jr. and play warcraft all the time rather than get a job. He told Steph that he applied for a position as a 911 operator but I know that lying sack of shit is doing just that... Lying. All that fucker ever does is play Warcraft. Piece of shit.

I needed to get this off of my mind though... because all this stress is making me lose hair... and it can't be caused by testosterone because I don't have much if any of that shit left..

*sigh*

Brief update

2008-03-21T04:02:09Z

--Slightly Scattered Thoughts--

After going through Salt Lake to get damage from a tire repaired and an annual inspection done on the truck we got a load home. It ran us through Billings, MT first but it did get us home. It was nice to get some time at home even though we are going to be back in less than 2 weeks.

S' side started hurting the other day, she went to the doctor and they couldn't figure out what was wrong so they sent her to get an ultrasound. No it isn't a baby but she did find out that she had some underlying problems that she didn't know about. She is going to have to go to another doctor when we come home on the 30th to find out what she can do about the problem... Ya.. I know I am being vague but really nobody reads this anyways and I am more or less just cataloging my thoughts right now.

Our company is going down the tubes. They have had nearly 400 accidents in the last year. Spent an astronomical amount because of those accidents and because of financial problems along with the fact they are going to have to be out by the next winter anyway they shut down one of the terminals. Not good. They went in one friday and canned all but 5 people who they told they could keep their jobs as long as they moved to salt lake.

Last time our company was going through troubles (not technically the same company) if a driver got routed though a terminal and there was no apparent reason to be routed though the driver was going to be canned. If that starts happening again S and I need to start looking for another job.

So coming home always gives me the depressing reminder that I can't play the game that I enjoy to devote hours on end to. Sure I can play it when I come home but 4 days out of a month? It makes it seem so pointless to play because I can't progress and not being able to progress at least one of my characters makes me a really sad panda.

Well, Easter is almost here (who gives a shit. all it is is a pagan festival), and my grandmother came down from Great Falls. Yet another person that doesn't know that I am T, and I have no reason to tell the loony... *sigh* No reason to tell her until I am almost ready to go full time and about the time I start the process of changing my name. But anyways, she is here, she arrived right as S and I started the Ramparts on WoW. So I had to tell the group AFK (was the fucking priest) take off my bra (because I prefer to wear one even when I am at home) and had to make nice for 5 to 10 minutes. Well she seemed to have no interest at all in seeing me anyways pretended to give a shit that I came down and then S and I went back upstairs and continued our group. Well I went downstairs a little later and still it seemed like she had no interest in seeing me. Honestly I am getting to the point where I hope she disowns me when I come out to the family.

Oh on the point of Warcraft... *wants Frostmourne* If you don't play the game and you don't know the lore then it probably means nothing to you, but I really want one and I think I am going to save up for one.

--End of my scattered thoughts for the day--

mmm... scattered... I want Waffle House...

My best friend

2008-01-16T17:04:24Z

Well... I finally did it.. it was a couple of weeks ago but I finally told Lance. We were like brothers in high school... and people thought as much too. I met Lance after he transferred in from another state... I believe it was Arizona. He was in my honors world history class and we hit it off immediately. In general, I am not the most outgoing person, but I usually can read people really well and with Lance there was just really good chemistry. He is like alpha geek supreme, pretty open minded, and was usually there for me.

We were friend during most of high school but after high school I moved away from my beloved southern Cali and moved to northern Idaho. I was essentially forced to go to Idaho because my parents decided to sell their house in Cali and in a months time they had a buyer and had to be out of the house. Well, I didn't have a job or a car or a place to stay so I had to go to Idaho, and I am still very bitter about being moved to Idaho. I kind of lost contact with most of my friends... just got distant. But last year I tried back in contact with people, including Lancer.

It was kind of awkward to do... you know it changes what I am in his eyes I'm sure.. He says I am always going to be the sniping bastard to him and that it won't change anything and I really hope that is the case because it would really hurt to lose Lance. Of my friends... he is by far the most important to me.

On the road again

2008-01-16T15:52:16Z

Yet again... It just seems like we don't ever get enough time off... and probably tomorrow we will be going back to work, and I am less than thrilled about said return... Why? Because it is going to be another 20+ days before we get our next home time, and when we are out... time for fun ... there isn't such a thing. All we tend to do is when one person drives the other sleeps... we stop for food once or twice a day, but in general we are always moving.

We talked to our dispatcher and requested to be given loads that run us in the western 11 states. On the company site it says that this kind of regional driving would get us home every 7 to 10 days but I don't think that is going to be the case. I think it is going to be the same old sh.. stuff... Have to be out 28 days take 4 days off... and being out that long really starts to wear on me, my emotions, my patience, everything... I didn't mind being out for that long originally.. but it is so hard to go out... sleep in a moving truck... have minimal internet capabilities... shower at at a different place every time... not have my nice soft comfy bed... the list, it never ends...

Tis the Season to be abused...

2007-12-24T20:23:20Z

So! We are in Grandview, WA. We have a load of rolls that we were supposed to deliver at a Walmart Distribution Center. Our load which we picked up in SL, UT yesterday was supposed to deliver today at 0300 today. We got to the delivery location today an hour early. We bring our bills into security and they can't find our purchase order. We give them another number and the can find that one! well... it is linked to a po# that is nearly the same as our... except for one number... and Walmart is AR when it comes to POs. So we can't deliver. We get ahold of our dispatch and we are told that we are going to have to wait until Customer Service comes in... that is going to be 2 hours... so we crashed out... We wake up 2 hours later and get ahold of customer service and our dispatcher. We get a message from CS saying that they got ahold of WalMart and that everything was fine they just sent us the wrong location... We were at the right location. So we go back to security and give them the info again... and we get the same information... PO and our bills don't match... So we get back with dispatch... and tell them what is going on... and nothing is getting done... We are supposed to be home by now, and I am getting impatient. I am so tired of being out at this point. I want to go home. We are supposed to get a hold of walmart at noon to find out if they can get us worked in. Let's hope.

More people...

2007-12-12T22:26:44Z

So, I have finally told one of my friends that is of the male persuasion... I told Dylan a few nights ago... and he took it really well. He was the last person that I would have expected to be so understanding of what I am.. but it was nice to find that he in fact was. I had talked to him like 4 hours that night before I decided to tell him, but I think that it is for the best.. Let's hope that I am not mistaken.

Why-oming

2007-12-08T16:17:28Z

So we have a load that is running us across the I-80. Pretty common route across the US but not a pleasant one. We picked up north of Seattle and we deliver in Denver, load of salmon for Purina. We are currently in Wyoming. Why on earth would anyone want to live in Wyoming? It is an ugly state in the summer. Mostly brown, Trees are few and far between, and windy... it is almost always windy.. and we aren't talking a little wind... we are talking like gusts that will knock over a truck. Not a nice state during the summer and we are quickly learning that it is even worse during the winter. We currently are looking at 20 feet of visibility, the roads are icy, it is snowing and there are 4 wheelers and trucks in the ditch and on their sides...

I saw a Swift truck on its side... and a trailer that was completely decimated. The only thing that made me recognize that it was infact a trailer was the fact that I could see what was left of the reefer unit. Then of course there was the Schneider truck that had jack-knifed up on the side of the hill. From what we were hearing in the truckstop that truck had been there like 2 days at that point. -8:06am- and we just passed a Yellow truck pulling doubles jack-knifed in the ditch. --

You couldn't pay me enough money to live in Wyoming. It is bad enough living in northern Idaho. I like warm climates for a reason. I consider southern California home for a reason because I can't stand Idaho... and even though I was born in Montana, Montana is not and never will be home.

A local job in Cali would be nice... or even Portland as long as I didn't have to go up the gorge.

Earrings

2007-12-02T03:30:18Z

I got my ears pierced. While in Portland visiting S' grandmother S and I had gone to the mall to do some Christmas shopping and it turned out to be the perfect opportunity to get my ears done. There was only one place in the mall that did the kind of piercings that I was looking for and that was piercings done with a needle instead of a gun. So we went and I was going to make an appointment but they could get me in right away so I decided that now was as good of time as any. So I have 14 gauge stainless steel hoops and I am very happy with them.

Ray the Asshole Dispatcher

2007-11-26T00:16:39Z

So... we had scheduled our time off almost a month ago, Actually sometime between October 20th and 24th... and probably closer to the 20th because when we were scheduling it we scheduled Halloween as well, and to make this even less confusing... We have to schedule our time off at least 9 days before we want to go home... So we scheduled the 24 through 27 of November for home time... So it is the 25th... and we are just outside of Seattle. We deliver tomorrow morning at 3:45... and we had been asking for a drop from dispatch for the last two to three days... We haven't gotten one. We wanted a drop because S' family had planned a belated Thanksgiving dinner. Well we got a message today with our next load assignment... Christmas trees again... Florida... again... Picks up on the 25th and delivers on the the 3rd of December... completely skipping our home time.

So we sent a message over the Qualcomm asking why we had gotten this load if we were scheduled for home time. The response was "Oh... you called up and said you were taking 2 days in Portland the day you picked up the first Christmas tree load... so I canceled your time off that you had planned for after Thanksgiving." First of all... the only phone call that was made was one regarding the fact that we wanted to do a short overnight... from 1am to 5pm to be exact... so that we could get a shower, some sleep, and see S' grandmother for a couple of hours... in total we spent 15 hours in Portland... We could have spent that same amount of time at a truck stop taking a 10 hour restart... Doing some laundry and showering... so his so called 2 days was a load of bullshit...

Then not only did he lie about the 2 days in Portland which there are in fact logs because the Qualcomm tracks everywhere that the trucks go and when they are moving and running but he also tried to throw at us that he didn't feel that we were running hard enough... "You took 7 days on a 3 day trip." Now the thing about that... is I'm not sure if he was talking about the load to or from Florida... The load to Florida did take us 7 days... but the reason for that was because the person that assigned us our load... one of our company's load planners... not a dispatcher... told us that we were going to have to deliver the load... period... no ifs ands or buts... we were delivering this load. and since that was the case we took our time on the way to Florida because most of the truck parking down there we have come to find is all PAY-TO-PARK... uh huh... you have to pay to use truck stop parking... Ya... we could have sat outside the Home Depots for 4 days... Where there was no place to eat... or use the bathroom... but instead we took our sweet time getting across the US and we got there and made our delivers on the 19th and 20th... and we had to deliver on the 20th because the last fucking Home Depot was too fucking lazy to take us the night before... and most of the Home Depots that we delivered to weren't ready to take the trees in the first place... one even had to get ahold of the fire marshal because their permits were out of date... So please... tell me why the fuck I would want to get to Florida 3 to 4 days early just to sit there...

As for the load back... we did go a bit slow but we were never told if we were going to be able to drop or not... and why bust ass to Seattle... where there aren't any truck stops and we weren't ever told if we were going to get a drop but on that note... we only took 5 days... When we asked for a drop the first time all we got from Ray the asshole pissant mother fucking jarhead douchebag was... depends on your Macro 5... So we sent a Mac 5... He took Thanksgiving and then next day off... and he had Saturday off... and his replacements couldn't help us with a drop... Honestly his replacements couldn't find their ass with 2 hands... a flashlight... a fucking GPS system...

I think the thing that pissed me off more than anything else that he said was "So are we running or are we sitting." Which leads me to another tangent all together... Ray's job could easily be replaced by a poorly coded Perl script. Even the errors would be better responses than what we get from Ray most of the time... His job reminds me of one of the characters from office space... when asked what he does here... his answer was that he dealt with the customers so that the programmers didn't have to... and that is exactly what Ray does... He answers questions asked by the drivers... He does NOT get us loads... deal with breakdowns... or rollovers... all his job really deals with is answering questions posed by the drivers so that the planners don't have to... and he might schedule time off, and obviously he can't even handle that one. Ray gets paid on how many miles we run every week. So the reason he asked if we were sitting or we were running is because when we aren't moving ol' Ray doesn't make as much money and that I think is what pisses him off more than anything... because he expects his teams to run 11 hours in a day... never shut down... never stop and only take breaks to fuel the truck... which would come out of the other 2 hours that we have in a day. I REFUSE to run 11 hours a day unless it is absolutely necessary. I understand why there are groups out there trying to do away with the 11 hour day... It FUCKING SUCKS. You have no idea how tiring an 11 hour day is until you do it behind the wheel of a truck.

You know it just absolutely pisses me off. Ray expects us to run until we are ready to just drop. sleep 10 hours and be ready to go again... While he gets his 9 to 5... every time we go in to the "war room" usually he is BSing with his co-workers, or just pissing off at his desk. He gets to go home every night... relax... have a dinner that doesn't come out of a cooler... or from a shitty truck stop diner... gets to sleep in a bed that does not move... that has padding... and is bigger than less than a twin. The bed in our truck is less than a twin. It is so uncomfortable to sleep in with two people you wouldn't even believe it if you tried it. And at this point our bed is sunk in... we have had it 6 months. So it hurts your hips to sleep on and every bump in the road makes you hit the plastic bed frame on the bottom. We don't get the option to go and have a nice sit down meal. We can't go shopping at the stores we want. We are pretty much limited to Walmart and that is rarely and when we really need to restock... He gets 2 days off a week usually ... we get 4 days off every 28 out... and he doesn't have to courtesy to let us have that. We give up so much to be out here... and I am to the point where I honestly am starting to believe that it is not worth it. All the money in the world couldn't make this worth it... and we get 31 cents per mile... split and the way he has been running us... we are lucky to see 3000 miles a week... most the time it is about 2000... and a solo driver could do that in a week. So there is that... and then we don't get any privacy...We are always in the same room. The only thing that is really there to separate us is an 1/8 inch curtain for privacy and the rumble of the engine and some road noise... Worst of all... I can't do what I want. I get to play Warcraft... like 2 days out of the month on our time off... if I am lucky and most of the time when I am done driving I am so exhausted that I just want to go right to bed... So playing most anything isn't possible.

... ... ...

So they resent the load information. Acting like we didn't just come from running trees down to Florida... explaining to us how we needed to get ice after picking up the load... My only answer was "we... are... not... accepting... this... load... until... we... get... our... home... time..." which is infact 3 lines on the Qualcomm... so they pulled our load... I was not in the mood to fucking deal with that bullshit any more... and honestly I would love for them to fire me at this point. I would consider it a fucking blessing... Because we are getting screwed... when we started at our company... we had people come into our orientation and tell us that their teams run about 5000 miles a week... good mileage... we have seen that maybe twice... that was mostly because our truck was broken down every other week... but part of that was because even though Ray claims that "He don't play games" he fucking does. He will withhold miles if he doesn't like you. Year to date gross taxable income... $8876.33.

As for Ray... Like Donald Trump would say... You're Fired...

He is done for. We already set the wheels turning to get a new dispatcher, because we have had enough. I had enough a few months back. But we gave him a second chance... No more second chances... I am done with him... and if Ray's boss won't get us a new dispatcher... we will go to his boss... and he won't do it... We will go to the fucking CEO of the company... and if he won't do anything... I am going to ask for a load back to Salt Lake City... and I will turn in the keys.

Enough is enough...

Thanksgiving

2007-11-23T01:26:44Z

Happy Thanksgiving... So this is the first thanksgiving without my family and it makes me feel kinda melancholy. I am with S and it was nice to be with her... but we are out here in the middle of Missouri, and it isn't the same as being at home having a nice dinner with family. I am so ready to be in Portland because about a week out from our time off I just stop wanting to work... It is like I lose all interest in the job and just want to relax... it is just as bad as going back to work... It is really hard to get the motivation to get back in the truck and go... I just want to just stay in bed, relax and do what I want.

As for doing what I want... I finally decided that I want to get my ears pierced... So I am going to do it while in Portland. What a surprise that is going to be for my mother. She is going to just come unhinged with that... She is going to come to really unhinged when I come home with a second set too... and eventually I think I am going to get one in the upper ear too.

Florida sucks...

2007-11-20T04:04:04Z

Well... not totally. The weather is really beautiful... like in the 80s... sunny... but it is humid... so I feel like I need another shower... and that I haven't had enough water today. It is like a crap version of California... with an excessive amount of old farts... but the trip down here hasn't been that terrible. We had a load full of Christmas trees from Portland, OR. It took us like 4ish days to get down to Florida, the trip was leisurely and nothing too terrible went wrong. But we got down here... we have 7 deliveries... All Home Depots. We were supposed to have 3 deliveries on the 19th (today) and 4 on the 20th. Well we were very fortunate to get almost all of our deliveries done today! ... except for one... and the people at the Largo Home Depot can kiss my ass... They won't take us until tomorrow... where as the rest of the Home Depots had their Holiday cheer going... the Largo people were not having any of that... So we are sitting here in the HD parking lot... waiting until tomorrow so we might unload our 3 pallets of trees... yes... 3... they couldn't take 20 minutes to take 3 pallets of trees off... *sigh* oh well... I am not going to go out of my way to inform them the best way to get them off the truck either... that little pearl they can figure out by themselves. And if they want help unloading... pfft... I am going to sit back and do my job... count the THREE pallets as they come off the truck... that's all... I'm not upset really... except now that they decided to screw with us... we aren't probably going to make it back to Portland in time for our scheduled time off, but that is what the trucking world is all about... never getting where you want to be on time...

Loss for words...

2007-11-14T02:51:30Z

You know... I hate that I'm not a very articulate person. I have a really hard time trying to get across what I am trying to say to people.. It has always been like this... I am just terribly shy... and forgetful... I think it is more that I get easily flustered... and then I just lose what I am saying... and then when someone berates me for not knowing what to say or having to take notes... it really doesn't help me get any less frustrated... I usually know what I want... I just can't express what I want... the words usually just won't come... It is the same reason that I am so bad around people when I first meet them... It just takes me time to adjust to people... find the right things to talk about... but the first couple of times I am always at a lack for words...

I can't help that I don't have much to say... it's not like there is some kind of magic pill that will make me more socially adept, more articulate when talking to people...

Current Situation

2007-11-12T05:56:36Z

So we have a load... we are headed to Washington.. near Seattle. As we are coming across Oregon at La Grande the road has been blocked off because there is some kind of accident. Apparently some trucker rolled his truck on cabbage... but he is okay... but on that note... it is currently about 10:45PM log book time, and we deliver at 4:00 in the morning... as of right now... we aren't going to make it to our first drop in time... but I guess that is how it goes...

Unfortunately, I am feeling really sad for whatever reason... I was being cute and playful with S earlier but for whatever reason I just couldn't stay happy... I try to be happy... I try ... I just haven't been able to succeed lately... maybe it is because it is late and I am tired... I'm going to try and get some sleep... so that I might feel better a little later...

Dreams

2007-11-11T07:20:27Z

So I had this dream the other night. It was like Christmas and my family was sitting around opening presents and my brother had opened his presents and he had gotten a bunch of things... a drum set... a new saxophone... etc and as I am looking around there aren't any presents for me... and in the dream I am really upset over this and somewhat jealous and it felt like these feelings were coming from outside of the dream like my consciousness was actually producing these emotions.

First off... I might be jealous of my brother... I am not going to say that I'm not... but I don't try to be. I just have a really hard time with my brother because as a young child my parents were poor and they did their best to afford me what they could. I understand that they didn't have much money and that my parents were raising a child and trying to get through college so they did what they could for me. My brother came along when I was 8 and it pretty much shattered my world. Until that point I was always really close to my mom... we did a lot of things together... and when my brother was born... all of that attention that I had been used to for the last 8 years was transferred to my brother.. and I felt lonely and I had just an enormous amount of jealousy towards me new sibling. My mom tried to comfort me but I really never got my mom back the way that it was before my brother and I think that was probably pretty devastating.

So now we fast forward to present... and please don't judge me for my emotions... My brother is definitely the baby of the family. My mom might say that I was her first born and that makes me special... but that doesn't mean my brother doesn't get special treatment... Let's give a couple of examples.. my brother is doing poorly in school... he is schooled at home taking online courses... so he can cheat off his friends and nobody will know... and my parents don't do anything about the fact he is doing so poorly. I did poorly in high school for 2 reasons... I was bored off my ass... and I was depressed... but instead of trying to help me they just grounded me from everything. My brother gets yelled at but they don't usually ground him... as for the gift thing in my dream... for the last few years... my parents even though they still don't make a lot of money but they have just been getting him everything he wants lately... last christmas he got a guitar, a punching bag and a bunch of other gifts... I got my glasses prescription filled... she paid to get new lenses put into my old frames... which I really did appreciate... but she got my brother new glasses earlier that year too... I don't remember what my brother got for his b-day this year... and honestly it is probably for the best... but my parents got me a season of the Simpsons... bought me a rear windshield for my car... which is has needed a windshield for almost a year now and I am thankful they got it for me... but everything they do for me is usually turned around and done 10 times over for my brother and it really hurts... and my brother acts like he deserves all these things that he is given, instead of being grateful for the things that he gets... and he isn't ever happy with the things he gets...

Maybe I do have a lot of jealousy for my brother...

My Two Aunts

2007-11-10T06:29:06Z

Well... I finally made the call so my favorite aunts know about what I am going through. It was kind of an awkward call but I think that it needed to be done because of any of my family members they are going to be the most understanding. My aunts are lesbians by the way. They have been together for quite some time now. So long in fact that I really can't even remember when they became a couple. We talked to each other for almost an hour I think. I tried to find out what my mom had told her... and tried to get some footing... because even though Donna is my favorite aunt... we really don't talk that often. So it was really a slow start. I eventually just had to dive in and tell her what was going on.

I told her that I started hormones. Told her about how long all this had been going on. Told her about what was generally required for the whole process and just how things were going. She told me that she doesn't understand what I am going through but she does and will love me no matter what happens. She is also going to keep anything that we say to each other between herself and Ally, so our conversations won't get back to my mom. I asked her about what Ally thought about it too... Ally is going to love me no matter what happens too. She says she thinks that my mom won't disown me but if she does she will have to kick her ass... I honestly don't believe my mom will tolerate this and I think that the only family that I am going to have is going to be Donna and Ally. Which brings me to another thought.

People who aren't going to accept this. First and foremost... My mom and dad. I expect when all of this finally comes to light I am going to be told that they don't want me ruining their family and not to ever talk to them again. I think that my mom and dad are never going to come to terms with who I am, so I am going to lose my parents. As for my brother... I really think that he is like a small version of my parents and unless he gets a better view of the world I probably won't be talking to him again either. I think that my grandmother is going to disown me as well. She disowned Toma when she got married to a black man, so when she finds out about me... I think that will be the last time that I ever speak to my grand mother. Jason and Melinda? I think their Christian ideals will get in the way and they will be right there with my parents. Let's see who else... There is Arlyss... I don't even talk to her but from what it sounds like when Donna came out it the ultimatum was I am going to choose between you guys (my mom and Arlyss) and Ally... and I'm not going to choose you guys... so it sounds like she wasn't supportive of Donna so I fear she isn't going to be supportive of me. Tom and Michelle...You know.. I'm not really sure about these two... they might be the most likely to actually still talk to me... might not like the idea... but they might still talk to me. Fred and Jacquie(sp)... Probably like Tom and Michelle... and then the last one is Octavia... I think she looks for any and every reason not to talk to family members so this one is probably good enough for her... And then there are the kids of my generation... I really don't know how most of them will respond... I am not going to think to hard for them.

It was really great talking to Donna... I need to talk with Ally eventually too but that can wait for another day. I should really take some time next spring and head up to Polson and visit those two maybe just spend a couple of days just with them. Try and make up some of that time that was denied to me as a child... my mom never wanted me to go over to their house because they might omgz do something to me... ya right... I don't think that my aunts could ever do anything like that... I think that my mom thought that they would some how make me gay or something... I think honestly maybe they could have helped me better understand me back when I was younger instead the only family that could have helped me was kept from me, but to be honest... my mom probably would have blamed them for what I am if I had stayed over at their house ever so it is probably for the best that it never happened. She already tries to blame everything else for who I am... Omgz! It was my fault... because I showered with you... because I was over protective because of this that and the other thing... because my mom plays the martyr and does a damn good job at it.

I think I have a lot of problems with my mother... I will probably eventually go into a long winded rant about my mother some day... but today is not the day. As for my father... his day will come as well...until them I will keep all that in my head.

New truck broken?

2007-11-09T04:56:47Z

We got a new truck yesterday and it is a beautiful truck. White Volvo 670 with 76k miles on it... which in comparison to our old truck is brand new. So anyways we got all of our things moved from the old truck to the new one and we are ready to go and the TCS light comes on and won't go off... and we play with the toggle a bit but it doesn't change... so we bring it to the shop and ask them about it and they say that it will need to go to Volvo in the morning... Oh Great... So we wake up in the morning and it has miraculously fixed itself. Much rejoicing... except one problem... they pulled the load that we are on and they didn't get us a new one... oh well we can wait.

So we go get in line to get our truck into the shop because it only has 2 12 volt outlets and our last truck had 4 and we have a lot of 12 volt junk. So we have been sitting here all day waiting on a load and we decided to go to Wal-mart. Well we get back and S tries to turn on the truck and it won't start... it just cranks and cranks but nothing happens, and we can't figure what is going on. So we play with the truck some more and I bump the stick and the trucks dash lights up... so now I can crank it and it starts... but the moment you take it out of gear it dies... not good. So we go into the shop to see if one of the guys in there will look at it. He comes out looks at it does the same things that I do and figures out that the truck won't start either... no shit... So he unhooked the battery and now we are waiting to hope that the trucks computer will reset itself. But it doesn't look promising. Oh well... it isn't like the other truck was any better... it was broken down 17 times in 6 months... which is way too many times... but honestly I am so tired of truck problems...

We have been averaging 2000 miles a week. we should be averaging closer to 5k to 5500. So it is getting pretty old. We aren't making any money we are stuck in a truck away from home and for what? If I wanted to make less than $10/hour I would go work for USBank in their call center... or wal-mart... or some other company... but one that is close to home... one that would let me be home every night and not have to sleep in the back of a moving truck where the bumps in the road and the road noise make it near impossible to sleep. On top of that I wouldn't have to drive at night and fear that I am going to fall asleep behind the wheel and roll the damn truck... I don't know what to do here... I know S enjoys driving... I do too... but I don't do this because I want to have a fun time rolling a truck down the highway... I can do that at home and come back to a warm inviting house every night. I am driving truck so I can make money. That is what this is all about... and I can't even put any money into savings at this point. It all goes to bills and living expenses. So I don't know how much longer I can do this without saying this is bullshit and this is enough... I am going to give it to the end of my first year with the company... If things don't start looking up... I am going to go find a job at a local company.

Yet another one

2007-11-07T08:52:14Z

And now Kim knows... I actually had no intent on telling her... but she wanted to know. So I told her and she is really supportive. She thinks that it is great that I have decided to transition. It is so weird telling people but on the on that same note it is really nice to have people to talk to. People that aren't going oh my God you are so going to hell because what you are doing is teh evilz... (my mother). I still haven't bothered telling her. Honestly I think that she feels better when she is stressing about her finances... the fact my dad isn't getting a second job... my brother not doing well in school... Which is completely online and he cheats off his friends on everything anyways... and the dog being allergic to everything he eats... when she found out that I was cross dressing she came completely unhinged... the other things are just like status quo compared to that...

but like I said before I think it was for the best that Kim put some pressure on me to tell her. Because I don't feel like I am lying about what I am anymore. I know some people aren't going to accept it... and I know I will lose friends but the ones that I can keep and that will continue friends with me will make this all much easier to cope with.

Though you will probably never see this Kim, thank you so much for being there.

sigh

2007-11-07T04:13:25Z

Well I haven't written much in my live journal over the last few months... a few private posts but nothing public or even really friends locked... but 'tever. I guess the best way to start this is... if you know who I am and you somehow found my journal... that's lovely... read it if you want... talk to me about it... ask me what is up... what this all mean... etc... but... if you are someone I know and are about to freak out about what I am writing... why don't you go play a nice little game of hide and go fuck yourself... first of all... This is one of my few outlets where I can speak my mind. I am probably going to be posting more publicly and I am not going to hide myself. Second... your beliefs and my beliefs probably differ and I honestly don't want to get into some kind of discussion of how I need to find God and that God can make it all go away if I pray and get Christian counseling. Religious views are not what I like to hear about. So...

What I have been doing over the last few months is driving truck... I went to truck driving school about a year ago and have been driving for the last 6 months. I have been enjoying it for the most part except the part of where it gives me a lot of time to think and recollect on past ventures... high school and what not and usually I depress myself... great huh? But besides that I am having a lot of fun seeing the freeways of the united states and burning up about $600 dollars worth of fuel every other day... we need to find an alternative to fossil fuels... past that nothing much else is happening... I still play warcraft when I get the chance and I still live in Idaho...

So this is where I come to the part that I might offend someone. I want to be a woman. That's right I said it... ever since I can remember, and not just wear women's clothes but live, work, play and be accepted as a woman. I think that has been the hardest part for me to overcome. The embarrassment of what I really want from my life and i have finally started to do something about it. I have taken the initiative. I did research online, decided what the proper way of taking the hormones and I started doing it. I have been taking them for 3 months now, and I can say that I have a sense of relief that came from it. I finally feel that I am doing the right thing. I don't expect that this trial will be easy but I think that I can get the support that I need from my friends and I can finally be free of the bondage that is holding my soul hostage. The only negative side effect of taking estrogen is that it has been causing my emotions to run rampant. That coupled with the fact that I get a lot of time to think means that I do get depressed sometimes but i think I can eventually work through all of that.

I finally told someone else too. It was really hard to do... but I think that it was the right choice. I told Morgan. I was worried that she would run away and never talk to me again but I guess had she done that she wouldn't be the friend that I thought she was. But per usual Morgan came through for me. She was understanding and most of all she thinks it is perfectly fine.

So the update after months and probably closer to years that finally needed to be put to words.

I Hate Dell

2007-09-02T16:01:00Z

So... I placed my first order in mid June for the laptop that I am trying to purchase from Dell. About 2 weeks later I realized that I could get a better deal because they had promotions going on RAM and a hard drive both of which I had purchased as upgrades on the original order. So I call up dell and ask them if they can discount my laptop that is supposedly in production at that time. The rep says that the only way to do that is to replace the order and I am fine with that because it would save me $200. So I wait a month and I get an e-mail (one that I didn't actually see because I was out on the road at the time... and I didn't have my Sprint Wireless card at that point) that says that I need to get a hold of dell so that they can continue with my order because of some stupid fucking federal regulation that has to do with mail orders taking too long... well I don't get a hold of them because I had no idea that I had gotten this email and I get home hoping for my laptop to arrived and find out that my order had been fucking canceled... it said that I had until the 28 of august to get a hold of them to verify that I still wanted this order. It was like August 8th that they canceled it. So livid I call up Dell and get some sales rep who is obviously new. I had very certain things that I wanted on my laptop and things that came for free including a built in web cam that was free on the original and second purchase. Honestly... the web cam didn't mean shit to me but at this point it was the fucking principle. She argued that I couldn't have the web cam for free anymore because that wasn't being offered anymore and that she already checked with her manager. So I told her that I wanted to speak with her manager and she put me on hold... about 15 minutes later she comes back and is like I got your web cam... <Wow... you did so wonderfully... do you want a fucking cookie!?>. Not only that with the second order I complained at the rep saying that I had come home to get my laptop that was supposed to have shipped and I get home to find that It wasn't there and I was disappointed because I get to come home for 4 days a month (Professional driver) so he gave me next business day delivery and I asked the rep that I was ordering from to offer me that same courtesy... she says she couldn't and had no idea how the other rep could have managed that. I ask for a manager again and she puts me on hold for what is now like the 4th time... another 15 minutes later "alright I went to bat for you, talked to my manager and got you next business day shipping" <congratulations miss... you are a moron>. The funny part was that I could hear her talking to someone I don't know if it was her manager or maybe a rep that has a better understanding of the call center but someone who was helping her obviously plugged in hearing this call telling her that she couldn't get me my web cam or the next day shipping but every fucking time I asked for a fucking manager she sure as shit got me what I asked for... So... after like an hour and a half of dealing with her on the phone I get my order replaced... $10 dollars more than my second order and MISSING THE FUCKING SOUND CARD THAT I WANTED ($25 extra, A grand total of 35 extra for the laptop)! I realized they had forgotten the sound card about a week after I had ordered it. So if the sound isn't up to par I guess I am going to be going to Fry's and getting the PCMCIA Sound card that creative makes so that i can have what I wanted.

So what does all of this rant mean? It means that I will probably never deal with dell ever again. I will not buy another laptop from dell... I will not suggest that anyone ever buy a computer of any type from dell (laptop, desktop, or server)... and from here on out I will probably do nothing but have ill things to say about dell whenever they may enter a conversation. The short of it...

I hate Dell.

My spectral ... uh... thing ... ie

2006-02-02T23:21:54Z

Get your own spectral analysis from Area 23^®

Wow... It's a new year

2006-01-20T19:40:57Z

Over four months since I last set foot in this journal. There has been very little to say during that time. A lack of excitement. Lack of employment. All in all... A whole lot of nothing. Maybe my lack of creativity has caused this slowdown in posts maybe its just I am usually over at a friends house and I don't feel that I have enough privacy to write in my journal. Whatever it is, I thought maybe it was time for an update. I am still alive, and still trying to move my life forward. Past that... nothing else is happening. Anyways, my room looks like it was hit by a small nuclear (ala Homer: its pronounced nu-culear) device and I best get to cleaning.

Fun little site

2005-08-10T23:09:10Z

Fun little toy... Lets you dress up a doll. Bunch of different things you can change add and other stuff. and thats what im using for my new icon.

ceekaydee @ 2005-08-09T11:28:00

2005-08-09T18:30:40Z

COOL GIRL
You scored 44 Girliness!

Your a down to earth type, you are not mateialitic and you are much
happier in a large group of mixed sex friends, flirting and having fun!
You do enjoy dressiup pretty occassionally but you have much better
things to do with your time than sitting around filing your nails!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 72% on Girliness

</td>

Link: The how girlie are you Test written by pink_kisses86.

i was bored and like... ya

2005-08-03T11:46:14Z

If you were an anime character, everyone would
recognize you at once by your facial features.
Your face, your eyes, your hair; all of these
different features would set you apart from
everyone else. These characteristics as an
anime character represent the pieces of your
personality that are so much a part of you, you
may as well have been born with them. You are
a highly unusual person because this means that
you dont change your appearance just to fit
into whatever is cool at the time; you are
steadfast, loyal, and caring beyond measure.
No one could ask for a more dependable friend.

What Would be your Most Distinguishing Physical Feature as an Anime Character? (anime pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm... i wonder if that fits... *shrug*

You are a Samurai.
You are full of honour and value respect. You
are not really the stereotypical hero, but you
do fight for good. Just in your own way. For
you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil
person, if it is for justice and peace. You
also don't belive in mourning all the time and
think that once you've hit a bad stage in life
you just have to get up again. It's pointless
to concentrate on emotional pain and better to
just get on with everything. You also are a
down to earth type of person and think before
you act. Impulsive people may annoy you
somewhat.

Main weapon: Sword
Quote: "Always do the right thing.
This will gratify some people and astonish the
rest" -Mark Twain
Facial expression: Small smile

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

*question mark* um... sure...

You're Marilyn Monroe!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think its time for me to go to bed... ... ...

First Entry

2005-07-30T10:00:09Z

I've had this journal for a couple of weeks now, and I guess it's time for me to use it. Its just one of those nights. feel kinda down... don't know what else to say... *sigh* i should probably just go to bed... it might help my mood...